Separation

"It is not good for man to be alone." -Genesis 2:18a

For the past two weeks I've been on the road working for Camfel Productions. I love my job. I get to travel, stay in hotels (or motels), meet lots of interesting people, and help students all over the country become people of better character.

The only downside is I am doing this alone.

Sometimes that isn't really a big deal. When I was in Flagstaff or Salt Lake City there was plenty to see and do. But when you get to a podunk town like Salina, UT or Solomon, AZ, there is literally nothing to do. Couple this with the fact that Lacie, my beautiful woman, is a few hundred miles away and you can better understand the intense separation I feel from everything.

This was very apparent yesterday, as I spent the entire day in bed, sick, locked in my suite in Reno, NV. While I talked to Lacie a few times throughout the day, I couldn't help but feel like I was totally isolated from the outside world, alone in a strange place.

And while this should have been a great time for me to grow closer to God, the reality is I lack the discipline in my walk to make the time to spend with Him, much less do anything else productive. Instead I've spent my time trying to entertain myself, hoping to forget that I am, for the time being, alone. I realize that I have the power to change my perspective. I can choose to react in a different way and view my circumstances in a positive light, but for some reason I haven't.

I know what I've been going through isn't anything like what Jesus went through when He was on the cross. In that moment He experienced complete separation from God. I can't imagine. It was the sin that He took on that caused that separation. It's strange how when we start to sin again, we often widen the gap between us and God. Rather than run to He who is always waiting to take us back, we hide in shame.

But we don't have to. God is there, ready to brush us off...and walk with us again...together.

Psalm 119:41-48 (NJT)

Psalm 119:41-48 (NJT)

41 Lord please bring me that unending, everlasting love and salvation that You promised,

42 because it is those things that allow me to be strong when the enemy taunts me. This is why I trust in Your word.

43 This truth you bring I ask that You do not take it away because it is where I have placed my hope.

44 For as long as I live I will obey Your law.

45 By living my life according to Your word I can walk with freedom.

46 I will not be afraid to speak Your truth to powerful men.

47 Because it is Your commands that I love that give me joy.

48 I bow Lord, hands raised, to the commands I love and which I meditate on.

Psalm 119:33-40 (New Johnny Translation)

In my pursuit to be the man God has created to be, my mentor has challenged me to read through Psalm 119 on a monthly basis. The Psalm is broken into eight verse sections that are perfect for a quick meditation. The goal is to read through and pray back the Psalm to God, making it my own. I will be posting those prayers here.

Psalm 119:33-40 (NJT)

33 Lord I beg You to give me understanding of Your word so that I can learn to follow it and hold it close to my heart until the day I die.

34 If I can understand Your law I will be able to keep and obey it with my whole heart.

35 Please direct me as I try to follow Your commands because that is where I find delight.

36 Lord I am a selfish fool that constantly seeks my own desires. Turn my heart towards You.

37 Don't let me focus on things that have no value. I don't want to lose my life because I was not focusing on Your word.

38 You promised to do these things, and through your faithfulness I will learn to righteously fear and respect You.

39 I am terrified of being disgraced because I have failed to keep your commands. Please take away my dread.

40 What a passion I have for your word! I know that by following you my life will be saved because You are righteous.

Daily Bible Reading: 01.01.09 - The Covenant

Job 30-31:40

1 “I made a covenant with my eyes
not to look with lust at a young woman.
2 For what has God above chosen for us?
What is our inheritance from the Almighty on high?
3 Isn’t it calamity for the wicked
and misfortune for those who do evil?
4 Doesn’t he see everything I do
and every step I take?

Job 31:1-4

Job did nothing wrong. He was upright in the eyes of God without fail. Even in the deepest, darkest, moments he did not blame God for his misfortune or pain. I'm not going through anything nearly so drastic. The stress in my life currently is purely a result of internal conflict. But what I am realizing is I still can not manage stress in my life in a productive manner. It is too easy for me to fall back into old habits. While extra responsibility is exciting and romantic feelings are a blessing, they are a weight I am finding difficult to bear at the present. The silly thing is that it is all in my head. I am the only one making things difficult.

It doesn't have to be this way. My problem is still a lack of discipline. This is a new year. Another new beginning. Another chance to be the man God made me to be and I MUST relentlessly pursue this. I need to check my eyes and my thoughts and implement safeguards to protect myself and my future wife from a habit of empty pleasure and shallow lusts. I MUST fight these demons. I need to hold on to Jesus. I need to make a covenant with my eyes.

Prayer:

Lord

Save me. I can not handle this on my own. I want to be a man after your own heart. I need to keep your word hidden in my heart so that I will not sin against you. I am now TODAY making a covenant with my eyes, not to look at a woman with lustful intentions. I pray that I treat the women in my life with respect and that I am an encouragement to them to grow closer to you. I want my future wife to grow to love me because they see these qualities played out in my life. Lord I thank you for your grace and your mercy. You are the God of second chances, and third, and fourths. I have failed you so many times and worse than this, but you love me anyway. Let my words be true, I am in love with you Lord and I pray it pours from my heart to all those around me. You are worthy to be praised.

Love,
Johnny

I want to be George Bailey

It's a Wonderful Life has been on my top ten list of favorite movies for a long time. I try to watch it every year, which is more than I watch most of my favorite movies. The film, to me, is almost perfect. I'm not going to talk about the details of the plot. If you haven't seen it then do yourself a favor and TIVO it next Christmas or go put it in your Netflix que.

There are a lot of reasons why I love this movie, but the biggest is because I want to be George Bailey. A man of high ideals who constantly puts the needs of his friends and family before his own. His wife loves him unconditionally with great passion and devotion. He is generous to a fault and believes in the good that is in all of us. He is willing to stand up for the little guy and be firm with the big guy, all while risking everything he has to do what is right. He is fearless. He is funny. He is inspirational. He loves his wife and his children. He is human. He has a wonderful life and doesn't even know it.

I want one too. I want to be George Bailey.

My Unfocused Way

I'm going to start working on my goals for this next year. I have a pretty thorough process for developing my goals and I'll blog about that later. But I need more discipline in my life. I have set up safe guards to protect my mind and eyes. I have accountability in a number of areas, but I still feel like I'm struggling. I'm not sinking like I used to, but I'm frustrated at how easily the enemy can infiltrate my mind and fuck up my day.

Make Jesus decision Randy says.

I don't know what's going on but that has become a lot hard in the last week. I've become unfocused and I need some clarity in my life. I feel like I'm all over the place, and while I have some long term goals, purpose, and direction I feel like my progress toward those is very slow right now.

It's a war in my head right now. Pray for me. I know the storm will pass. I just have to keep being Jesus to those around me.

I am trippin'

It was only a matter of time before I had a really bad day and let it get to me. The reality is I didn't actually have a bad day. I was just bored out of my mind. I think the saying goes "Idle hands are the Devil's playground." I had the day off Friday and did nothing but work on my computer at the coffee shop. At some point I was incredibly tired of what I was working on and I eventually wondered into old habit's of entertainment. Once that line was crossed there was little holding me back. I had done really, really well for about a month and while I didn't actually find someone to hook up with I still went back to my mat and took a little nap.

But that was Friday. I'm feeling the effect of the war that went on in the battlefield that is my mind. And even though I was trippin' I'm not going to dwell on it. The point isn't less sin, it's more Jesus and I have a long way to be more like Him. But I'm getting there.