Reperio Modi

Separation

2009-10-11T23:11:00.000-07:00

"It is not good for man to be alone." -Genesis 2:18a

For the past two weeks I've been on the road working for Camfel Productions. I love my job. I get to travel, stay in hotels (or motels), meet lots of interesting people, and help students all over the country become people of better character.

The only downside is I am doing this alone.

Sometimes that isn't really a big deal. When I was in Flagstaff or Salt Lake City there was plenty to see and do. But when you get to a podunk town like Salina, UT or Solomon, AZ, there is literally nothing to do. Couple this with the fact that Lacie, my beautiful woman, is a few hundred miles away and you can better understand the intense separation I feel from everything.

This was very apparent yesterday, as I spent the entire day in bed, sick, locked in my suite in Reno, NV. While I talked to Lacie a few times throughout the day, I couldn't help but feel like I was totally isolated from the outside world, alone in a strange place.

And while this should have been a great time for me to grow closer to God, the reality is I lack the discipline in my walk to make the time to spend with Him, much less do anything else productive. Instead I've spent my time trying to entertain myself, hoping to forget that I am, for the time being, alone. I realize that I have the power to change my perspective. I can choose to react in a different way and view my circumstances in a positive light, but for some reason I haven't.

I know what I've been going through isn't anything like what Jesus went through when He was on the cross. In that moment He experienced complete separation from God. I can't imagine. It was the sin that He took on that caused that separation. It's strange how when we start to sin again, we often widen the gap between us and God. Rather than run to He who is always waiting to take us back, we hide in shame.

But we don't have to. God is there, ready to brush us off...and walk with us again...together.

Psalm 119:41-48 (NJT)

2009-02-18T08:46:00.000-08:00

Psalm 119:41-48 (NJT)

41 Lord please bring me that unending, everlasting love and salvation that You promised,

42 because it is those things that allow me to be strong when the enemy taunts me. This is why I trust in Your word.

43 This truth you bring I ask that You do not take it away because it is where I have placed my hope.

44 For as long as I live I will obey Your law.

45 By living my life according to Your word I can walk with freedom.

46 I will not be afraid to speak Your truth to powerful men.

47 Because it is Your commands that I love that give me joy.

48 I bow Lord, hands raised, to the commands I love and which I meditate on.

Psalm 119:33-40 (New Johnny Translation)

2009-02-17T10:41:00.000-08:00

In my pursuit to be the man God has created to be, my mentor has challenged me to read through Psalm 119 on a monthly basis. The Psalm is broken into eight verse sections that are perfect for a quick meditation. The goal is to read through and pray back the Psalm to God, making it my own. I will be posting those prayers here.

Psalm 119:33-40 (NJT)

33 Lord I beg You to give me understanding of Your word so that I can learn to follow it and hold it close to my heart until the day I die.

34 If I can understand Your law I will be able to keep and obey it with my whole heart.

35 Please direct me as I try to follow Your commands because that is where I find delight.

36 Lord I am a selfish fool that constantly seeks my own desires. Turn my heart towards You.

37 Don't let me focus on things that have no value. I don't want to lose my life because I was not focusing on Your word.

38 You promised to do these things, and through your faithfulness I will learn to righteously fear and respect You.

39 I am terrified of being disgraced because I have failed to keep your commands. Please take away my dread.

40 What a passion I have for your word! I know that by following you my life will be saved because You are righteous.

Daily Bible Reading: 01.01.09 - The Covenant

2009-01-01T18:34:00.000-08:00

Job 30-31:40

1 “I made a covenant with my eyes
not to look with lust at a young woman.
2 For what has God above chosen for us?
What is our inheritance from the Almighty on high?
3 Isn’t it calamity for the wicked
and misfortune for those who do evil?
4 Doesn’t he see everything I do
and every step I take?

Job 31:1-4

Job did nothing wrong. He was upright in the eyes of God without fail. Even in the deepest, darkest, moments he did not blame God for his misfortune or pain. I'm not going through anything nearly so drastic. The stress in my life currently is purely a result of internal conflict. But what I am realizing is I still can not manage stress in my life in a productive manner. It is too easy for me to fall back into old habits. While extra responsibility is exciting and romantic feelings are a blessing, they are a weight I am finding difficult to bear at the present. The silly thing is that it is all in my head. I am the only one making things difficult.

It doesn't have to be this way. My problem is still a lack of discipline. This is a new year. Another new beginning. Another chance to be the man God made me to be and I MUST relentlessly pursue this. I need to check my eyes and my thoughts and implement safeguards to protect myself and my future wife from a habit of empty pleasure and shallow lusts. I MUST fight these demons. I need to hold on to Jesus. I need to make a covenant with my eyes.

Prayer:

Lord

Save me. I can not handle this on my own. I want to be a man after your own heart. I need to keep your word hidden in my heart so that I will not sin against you. I am now TODAY making a covenant with my eyes, not to look at a woman with lustful intentions. I pray that I treat the women in my life with respect and that I am an encouragement to them to grow closer to you. I want my future wife to grow to love me because they see these qualities played out in my life. Lord I thank you for your grace and your mercy. You are the God of second chances, and third, and fourths. I have failed you so many times and worse than this, but you love me anyway. Let my words be true, I am in love with you Lord and I pray it pours from my heart to all those around me. You are worthy to be praised.

Love,
Johnny

I want to be George Bailey

2008-12-25T23:00:00.000-08:00

It's a Wonderful Life has been on my top ten list of favorite movies for a long time. I try to watch it every year, which is more than I watch most of my favorite movies. The film, to me, is almost perfect. I'm not going to talk about the details of the plot. If you haven't seen it then do yourself a favor and TIVO it next Christmas or go put it in your Netflix que.

There are a lot of reasons why I love this movie, but the biggest is because I want to be George Bailey. A man of high ideals who constantly puts the needs of his friends and family before his own. His wife loves him unconditionally with great passion and devotion. He is generous to a fault and believes in the good that is in all of us. He is willing to stand up for the little guy and be firm with the big guy, all while risking everything he has to do what is right. He is fearless. He is funny. He is inspirational. He loves his wife and his children. He is human. He has a wonderful life and doesn't even know it.

I want one too. I want to be George Bailey.

My Unfocused Way

2008-12-17T10:43:00.000-08:00

I'm going to start working on my goals for this next year. I have a pretty thorough process for developing my goals and I'll blog about that later. But I need more discipline in my life. I have set up safe guards to protect my mind and eyes. I have accountability in a number of areas, but I still feel like I'm struggling. I'm not sinking like I used to, but I'm frustrated at how easily the enemy can infiltrate my mind and fuck up my day.

Make Jesus decision Randy says.

I don't know what's going on but that has become a lot hard in the last week. I've become unfocused and I need some clarity in my life. I feel like I'm all over the place, and while I have some long term goals, purpose, and direction I feel like my progress toward those is very slow right now.

It's a war in my head right now. Pray for me. I know the storm will pass. I just have to keep being Jesus to those around me.

I am trippin'

2008-12-14T15:58:00.000-08:00

It was only a matter of time before I had a really bad day and let it get to me. The reality is I didn't actually have a bad day. I was just bored out of my mind. I think the saying goes "Idle hands are the Devil's playground." I had the day off Friday and did nothing but work on my computer at the coffee shop. At some point I was incredibly tired of what I was working on and I eventually wondered into old habit's of entertainment. Once that line was crossed there was little holding me back. I had done really, really well for about a month and while I didn't actually find someone to hook up with I still went back to my mat and took a little nap.

But that was Friday. I'm feeling the effect of the war that went on in the battlefield that is my mind. And even though I was trippin' I'm not going to dwell on it. The point isn't less sin, it's more Jesus and I have a long way to be more like Him. But I'm getting there.

Daily Bible Reading: 11.29.08

2008-11-29T08:54:00.000-08:00

Genesis 28:6-30:24

I don't even know how far behind I am in my reading right now. I think only a couple of days. But today's reading..WTF!?!? Jacob takes a wife. Let me back up. Jacob is the son of Isaac, son of Abraham. God promises Jacob the same thing he promised his forefathers; to make him a great nation that will bless all the peoples of the world. So Jacob runs into some shepherds and one happens to be the beautiful daughter of his mom's brother. He falls in love, works for seven years to marry her (and I thought two years being engaged was a long time), and is deceived by his uncle to marry his oldest daughter Leah. As you can imagine Jacob isn't too pleased when he wakes up to someone other than Rachael (Come to think of it this would make a decent episode of Friends). Jacob does get to marry Rachel a week later and works another seven years because of it.

Jacob now has two wives, when he only wanted one. I can't even handle a relationship with one woman right now. I can't imagine trying to please two. Granted Jacob just neglects Leah and because of it God makes Rachel barren and gives Leah four kids. Rachel gets jealous and has Jacob sleep with her maidservant, Leah has Jacob marry her maidservant, and everyone is having kids all over the place. And it seems that this is all in God's plan. Jealousy, deceit, favoritism, polygamy? I am trying to understand if the sinful actions of a fallen people are being used to God's glory here, or if the majority of this behavior was acceptable to God. Clearly God blesses Rachel when he gives her Joseph. And most of us know how God uses Joseph.

Sometimes I think we worry too much about not sinning. That somehow Christianity can be boiled down to a list of do's and do not's that if followed closely will grant us an eternal retirement in some otherworldly paradise. God did give some commandments. Perhaps we made a mistake by calling them "commandments." Maybe covenants would have been better. When Moses comes down from the mountain and God speaks to His people, he is entering into a marriage covenant. He's not trying to control them, he's trying to protect them. He's promising to take care of them. It was never about do and do not. It was always about being God's. The whole of Leviticus is not about the rules, it's about God showing the world that these are His people and they are different from everyone else.

As I grow and learn, I discover more and more that the goal is not a lack of sin, but to be more God's everyday. And whatever my actions be, God will use them to His glory...because He's God. He can do that.

Life Group: 11.25.08 - What is your passion?

2008-11-26T10:03:00.000-08:00

Colossians 1:24-28

Paul's Labor for the Church

24Now I rejoice in what was suffered for you, and I fill up in my flesh what is still lacking in regard to Christ's afflictions, for the sake of his body, which is the church. 25I have become its servant by the commission God gave me to present to you the word of God in its fullness— 26the mystery that has been kept hidden for ages and generations, but is now disclosed to the saints. 27To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory.

28We proclaim him, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ. 29To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me.

We discussed this passage in life group last night. While many of us stared blankly at each other, racking our brains for some grand revelation about Paul's words here, Charlie, our group leader, did his best to spark discussion with questions from the flow. To be honest Paul has a pretty funky writing style here. I'm sure in the original Greek it is probably more clear what he is saying, provided you read Greek. Greek is pretty much all Greek to me. Some of us resorted to go to Christianese answer when faced with a question we aren't quite sure of: JESUS!

It turns out that is what Paul is talking about here. Paul has done what is somewhat incomprehensible to our culture; he has given himself completely over to his faith, suffering great trials because of it. But Paul rejoices in these afflictions because it allows him to relate to Christ's suffering on the cross, and he knows that through his own suffering many people are coming to know Jesus. Paul's passion for sharing the gospel is the driving force in his life. Nothing else matters, not even his own safety.

Charlie posed this question at the end of our discussion:

What is it that you are most passionate about and what is keeping you from pursuing that passion completely?

For me, well...I'm still figuring that out. All I know is I want to bring heaven on earth to those who need it most, and maybe even to those who don't need it as much too. I have a desire to meet people's needs where they're at and from there share the good news of Jesus with them. I want to BLESS the pants off everyone, and honor God with my actions. I'm not concerned with grand ambitions of changing the whole world for Jesus. I just want to help Jesus change the world of the people I meet on a daily
basis.

Is there anything holding me back? Sure. I'm scared of being looked at like a crazy person. I don't want to be labeled a Christian. I just want to be Christlike. I'm scared of taking strong positions on issues that matter to me for fear of alienating others unnecessarily. I no longer have many of the excuses I once did, no one I'm responsible to, no school work to drag out to the last minute, no long term lease on an apartment. My job is flexible to a degree and I have a considerable amount of free time. And the reality is I am being Jesus to my friends, but I feel I could do more. I want to be more generous with everything. I need to help the homeless, the poor, the children and widows, and the downtrodden.

So I'll start tomorrow. I'm spending thanksgiving helping the homeless. And in doing so, bringing a little bit of heaven here on earth.

Daily Bible Reading: 11.25.08

2008-11-25T23:13:00.000-08:00

Genesis 18-21:7

So I've decided that it's a little cumbersome to try and right a commentary on everything I read through this process. Often I have little or no insight into what's going on and I feel I'm trying to pull things out of thin air to reflect on. Especially when some chapters are just lists of names. So instead I am only going to post when I read something that God really speaks to me through.

That being said, I'm still in Genesis and this book gets pretty crazy pretty quick. Today we have attempted homosexual rape, incest, and full on fire from heaven. Rob Bell, in his new book Jesus Wants to Save Christians: A Manifesto for a Church in Exile, comments on the rapid fall of man within just a few chapters of the Bible. It is almost as if Genesis is setting up the rest of the Bible, sort of like a "this is how we got where we are," and the rest of the story is about God's plans and efforts to get us back where He wants us. That concept has put the Bible in a new light for me. And as I read through chronologically I am excited to see how this love story plays out. There are plenty of things I don't understand, like why the angels in Sodom gave no protest when Lot offered up his virgin daughter to the sex crazed mob to rape. Or why Lot would do such a thing in the first place. I'm having a difficult time understanding the role of women in this society as well.

No specific verse or passage stood out to me as profound, just that things are bad, but God has provided hope through Abraham and his son Isaac. Why God chooses Abraham I'm not sure either. But he clearly has put into motion the things things that have allowed me to know Jesus today. And that's pretty cool.

Daily Bible Reading: 11.19.08

2008-11-19T23:31:00.000-08:00

Genesis 7-10:5; 1 Chronicles 1:5-7; Genesis 10:6-20; 1 Chronicles 1:8-16; Genesis 10:21-30; 1 Chronicles 1:17-23; Genesis 10:31-32

So you might be wondering why all these short passages from Chronicles are being inserted in my reading. I am reading through the bible over the course of the next year but I am doing it chronologically. I found this cool site that sets up a plan where you can read what happens in the Bible in the order it actually happened, which is kinda cool. I think it will give me a better understanding of how the events unfold and how certain things in different books are linked. I highly recommend trying it out! Onto the reading!

Genesis 7

SO Noah is gathering all the animals and his family and packing them up in the ark. Then it rains for 40 days and 40 nights, everything that isn't on the ark drowns, and then they sit there for 150 days. Fun stuff.

Genesis 8

This is where Noah sends out the dove to see if the waters had receded. After a couple of weeks the waters do recede and Noah and the gang get out of the boat. Then Noah builds an altar and sacrifices some clean animals to God. I'm going to assume those animals had procreated on the ark, otherwise Noah just doomed those animal species to extinction. But God was so please with this offering that He promises never again to destroy all living creatures...which is good news for us.

Genesis 9

Evidently up until this point we we're not allowed to eat animals? In verse 3 God gives us permission to eat everything that lives and moves. It just can't have blood still in it. We also get the first eye for and eye rule here. God says if a man is killed by another, that man will be killed as well.

The most beautiful part of this chapter is the seal God places on the covenant never to destroy the earth again: the rainbow. On a foggy day like this, I'm sure there will be a rainbow at some point, and I can see, thousands of years later, the promise God made to us all.

Then Noah's son Ham sees him naked and his brothers go cover up their dad. When Noah awakes he's pretty pissed about what happened and curses Ham's son Canaan, declaring that Shem and Japheth will be prosperous while Canaan will be their slave.

And Noah dies 350 years later, at the ripe old age of 950.

Genesis 10 and 1 Chronicles 1:5-23

Almost identical passages about the genealogy of Noah's sons.

Daily Bible Reading: 11.18.08

2008-11-18T23:52:00.000-08:00

Genesis 4-5:32; 1 Chronicles 1:1-4; Genesis 6:1-22

Genesis 4

So this is the story of Cain and Abel. If you don't know this story doesn't end well. Cain kills Abel. It sort of sucks. Here's what I don't understand. Cain full on lies to God. Adam at least fessed up to his sin when God called him on it. But Cain acts like God has no idea what's gone on. I realize that Cain never knew God like Adam and Eve, but still, I'm sure he knew better than to try to deceive the Lord.

And God calls Cain out saying, "LISTEN! Your brother's blood cries out to me from the ground." How powerful an image is that? You Cain have done such evil that the earth itself can't keep quiet about it. And heres where things get interesting. God protects Cain. Even though he is cast out and cursed forever, God puts a mark of protection on him. Why? So he can live out his suffering? Reflect forever on the wrong he has done? I don't know.

Genesis 5

A genealogy of Adam to Noah. I'm sure there's some stuff buried here but I don't have the patience to dig it up right now. These guys lived a long time and one didn't die. Pretty cool.

1 Chronicles 1:1-4

Another quick genealogy.

Genesis 6

The story of Noah. For me right now, the lesson here is obedience. Even if I think God is crazy, I better listen.

Prayer

Dear Jesus,

Thanks for another wonderful day. Thank you for a life group that cares about each other. I pray that they "hang around my neck" like a gold medal. Thank you for new friends.

I love you.

JV

Getting off the mat

2008-11-18T12:00:00.000-08:00

The other night I was fighting the temptation to return to the "old ways." I expressed this conflict to my mentor, who has challenged me to be honest with him about this area of my life. He asked me to read Luke 5:17-26.

First let me say that I am always in awe of people who know the scripture well enough to direct a person to a specific passage that addresses their need. It is a great blessing to have someone like this in my life.

The passage is about a paralytic man who is brought by his friends to Jesus as He is teaching. It is not a long passage, but it is powerful just the same. The room where Jesus is teaching is packed with people, including some other religious teachers. Because the paralytic man is lying on a mat, it is impossible for his friends to get him to Jesus. So they do what any good friends would do; they take him up on the roof and drop him through the ceiling.

Jesus is so impressed by their persistence that He tells them their sins are forgiven. Now this pisses off the other religious leaders. They're like "who the heck is this guy thinking he has the power to forgive sins!" So Jesus is like "oh yeah? well how about I just tell this guy to walk too, go ahead buddy get up and walk." So he does.

SO how does this relate to struggling with temptation?

I've been hobbling around this world for at least 15 years dealing with sexual immorality. I know you're thinking, Johnny you're only 25, and yes I got started pretty early. Here's the thing, I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was 5. Now you could debate whether I really had the mental capacity to make a decision like that at 5, but that's what happened. But instead of believing God's version of my story, that everything has been made new and I don't have to sin anymore, that I am FREE from sin, that I can GET UP AND WALK, I've been lying back on the mat. And really it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I got back up off the mat and decided to walk again.

But even though life is so much better off the mat, I still go back and look at the mat from time to time, wondering what it would be like to lay down again. Because it was comfortable to lie on that mat. But LIFE SUCKS when you're crippled and you don't have to be.

I am blessed to have people in my life that point out what a crappy place it is to be stuck lying on a mat and remind me that I can walk.

Daily Bible Reading: 11.17.08

2008-11-17T07:46:00.000-08:00

Genesis Ch. 1

I've recently spent a lot of time listening, reading, and watching a lot of stuff by Rob Bell. In the last six weeks I've read (or listened to) his books Sex God and Jesus Wants to Save Christians: A Manifesto for a Church in Exile. In addition I watched his presentation Everything is Spiritual, in which he makes that case that God really is what connects us all. He begins this message with the Genesis poem of creation and shows great insight into not only the meaning of the words, but the structure of the poem as well. I don't have time to cover all of that here and Rob Bell does that thing that Rob Bell does so well which is why he is Rob Bell and I am not. So check out the DVD and have your mind blown and then lets chat about it.

Currently I'm working through Velvet Elvis, Rob Bell's first book, and he made a statement that really stuck with me. He said that many biblical scholars and rabbi's believe that the main conflict in our lives happens in verse three where God separates light from darkness. The rest of the Bible is just teaching us how to distinguish light from dark in our daily lives. Earlier in the book he makes an observation about how the smallest amount of light is infinitely more powerful than enormous amounts of darkness. It makes me want to go to the Staples Center, when the place is pitch black, stand at the top of the stadium, and have someone light a match in the center of the room and see what happens.

I've always liked the idea that darkness is only an absence of light. As I let my light shine brighter and brighter the less darkness there is in me.

There are a lot of deep things happening in this short chapter, but for me right now this concept of light and dark hit home the hardest.

Genesis Ch. 2

I have this image in my head of God realizing that Adam is lonely and so he creates all these animals in order to find him a companion. Adam is sitting there all depressed and he doesn't even know why and so here comes a horse and Adam is like, cool, so he rides the horse and it's fun and all but it gets a little uncomfortable riding a horse naked. So God brings by a skunk and Adam is like, no, so God brings by a cat and Adam thinks maybe a serpent would be better. Finally God brings Adam this slobbering four legged creature that keeps wagging its tail and Adam names it, dog, and the joke is not lost on God. So God takes the hint creates woman, and man is never the same again.

Genesis Ch. 3

This chapter is LOADED. Not only do we see the fall of man but we get the first prophecy of Jesus. What strikes me most in this passage is the exchange between Adam and God after Adam has eaten the fruit. First they hide from...God. As if it were even possible. Clearly the fruit of the tree of knowledge was not all it was cracked up to be. I love how God forces Adam to own up to his own deeds. Even though God knows exactly what has happened he wants Adam to fess up of his own accord. But Adam can't even man up. He displaces the blame for his own actions not only onto Eve, but also onto God...because that's the smart thing to do. Let's blame God for our own failures. Sounds familiar. It seems it is pretty easy for a light to shine when it isn't even aware of the darkness.

Prayer

Dear Jesus,

Thank you for this incredible life I get to live. You provide all my needs. I have a good job, wonderful friends, a loving family, and the physical health to enjoy it all. I live in a beautiful place where there is easy access to food. I truly am blessed. I pray that you would give me discipline in my daily life so that I can accomplish the things that will allow me to better serve you. I ask for wisdom in dealing with the decisions that are put before me on a daily basis. I pray that you will give me the strength to turn away from lustful thoughts and desires and give me purity in my thoughts.

I pray for my friend Dana, as she plans this event for tomorrow, that you would give her peace of mind and focus to get everything in order in time for the event. I pray that her light would shine bright for you and her attitude would inspire those around her. Let her be a blessing to everyone that meets her.

I pray for Devin, my brother, as he deals with the realities of serving You and raising a family. His drive and determination is inspiring, but I pray you give him the soundness of mind to cope with all of the stresses that are on him. I pray that he would be able to find a job that will allow him to provide for his family, as well as give him the freedom to serve you through ministry, which I know is his passion. I thank you for his friendship and accountability and I know you will bless him for his obedience.

I pray for Revolution and Revolution X and ask that you provide its leaders with guidance and wisdom. I pray they continue to relentlessly pursue who you want them to be and in doing so inspire the congregation to follow. Let us be a community that loves each other fully and takes care of each other without hesitation. And let us love on Long Beach like no other community here.

I ask these things in your name.

and I love you

JV